


General Ironwood has an Announcement to Make

by Zeroan



Category: RWBY
Genre: Coarse language I guess lol, Gen, I'll regret this tomorrow, I'm so very sorry everyone, Just a giant shitpost, Spoilers for Volume 7 Episode 2, Thirty percent effort AT MOST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 09:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21372085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeroan/pseuds/Zeroan
Summary: It's time for the world to know.A shitpost I wrote in like one hour. Likely the worst thing I've ever written.Spoilers for Volume 7, seriously, don't read this unless you've already watched Episode 2. Actually, maybe don't read this even if you have watched the episode. I'm so sorry.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	General Ironwood has an Announcement to Make

It had been a hard time for Ruby and the gang in Atlas. Weeks of fighting, weeks of interpersonal drama, she thought they’d never see the end of it. But they had driven most of the Grimm out of the city, and defeated the villainous duo of Tyrian and Watts for good. They’d managed to raise Amity Colosseum up above the clouds, far from the reach of even the most tenacious of Salem’s monstrous servants, and now they were all gathered in the transmission room.

There was only one thing left to do.

Blake was the one to first voice everyone’s concern. “Are we sure this is the right thing to do?”

“Yeah,” Yang said, looking at General Ironwood warily as he approached the transmitting system. “What if telling everyone about Salem just makes everything worse?”

“We can’t be sure,” Ruby said, stepping up in front of her teammates and friends. “But we have to do this. We can’t not try just because we’re afraid something might go wrong. We have to keep moving forward.” She looked to her uncle. “Right, Uncle Qrow?”

“At this point, you know better than me, kiddo,” Qrow said, though he smiled in plain support.

Everyone turned to look at Ironwood. Winter stood on one side of him, Penny on the other. This was the moment of truth. He pressed a button to start the transmission, which would reach every corner of Remnant, and gently lowered his mouth close to the microphone.

“I’ve come to make an announcement.”

Ruby breathed in deeply, as did everyone else. There was no turning back now. In a minute, everyone on Remnant would know that-

“Salem is a _bitch-ass motherfucker._”

Ironwood slammed his hands on the desk, and everyone gasped in surprise – save for Winter and Penny, who continued perfectly calm. Ren moved swiftly behind Oscar and covered his ears, shaking his head in disapproval.

“What the hell?” Jaune exclaimed. “That’s not what we agreed to-”

“Silence.” Winter raised a hand to silence him. “Don’t interrupt the General.”

Ironwood braced himself on the desk, his eyes becoming so wide it was a scary sight to behold.

“She pissed on my fucking Qrow.”

“_WHAT?!_” Qrow shouted.

“That’s right, she took her Grimm fucking slimy dick and she pissed on my fucking Qrow, and she said her dick was _this big_…!” Ironwood spread his arms as far as he could – which no one outside of the room could see. “And I said, _that’s disgusting!_, so I’m making a call-out transmission on my Amity Colosseum: Salem, you got a small dick, it’s the size of this Goliath except _way _smaller-”

He pointed at the ground miles upon miles below the Colosseum, making everyone even more confused somehow.

“And guess what, here’s what my dong looks like – PFFFF!”

Ironwood slammed his fist on a button on the console, and the Colosseum started to shake. Everyone scrambled to grab onto something or someone, until the tremors stopped – and they saw _something_ sticking out of the underside of the Colosseum – an energy cannon easily twice its size.

“What the hell, James?” Qrow ran to the window and gaped at the massive weapon. “You had a damn cannon built into this thing? _Why_?”

Ironwood ignored him completely, grabbing the microphone with both hands and bringing it so close to his mouth he was practically spitting on it.

“That’s right, baby, no slime, no pillows, look at that it looks like two balls and a dong! She fucked my Qrow so guess what, I’m gonna FUCK REMNANT.”

He raised his fist again, looking at another button, and Ruby jumped forward to stop him. Before she could make it to him, however, a glyph appeared from thin air and bounced her back to her friends. Following her lead, the whole gang tried to run to Ironwood – but Winter and Penny moved just as quickly, easily stopping them with their combined powers.

“That’s right, that’s what you get, _MY SUPER LAZER PISS_!”

Ironwood slammed the button, and the Colosseum started to tremble again.

“Except I’m not gonna piss on Remnant, I’m gonna go higher… I’m pissing on the _MOOOOOOON!_”

A ray of pure green energy shot out of the cannon, flying straight into outer space and colliding against the unbroken side of the moon – or what used to be the unbroken side of the moon, that is.

Ironwood cackled wildly as everyone stared on in horror. Even Winter started to show signs of concern.

“How do you like that, _Ozpin_?! I pissed on the moon, _YOU IDIOT!_”

Nursing a sore head on the floor, Oscar raised his hands above his shoulders, as if to say – what the hell, man?

“You have twenty-three hours before the piss _d r o p l e t s_ hit fucking Remnant, now get out of my fucking sight before I piss on you too.”

Ironwood released a deep breath, and with a positively exhausted swipe of a finger, turned off the transmission.

“What… what just happened?” Weiss muttered.

“He destroyed the moon!” Nora shouted. “Guys, we don’t have _a freaking moon _anymore!”

"Eh." Ruby shrugged. "It's not like anyone cared all that much about it in the first place."

“Uncle Qrow, why…” Yang looked at her uncle dreadfully. “Why’s General Ironwood so possessive of you?”

Qrow buried his face in his hands, falling into a deep silence.

“Hmm. Well, it appears the transmission has met all its predicted parameters,” Ironwood said evenly, linking his hands behind his back. “I’d say our test transmission was an absolute success.”

He turned around to face everyone.

“Now. Who wants the tell the whole world about Salem?”

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLBL4M55tJU
> 
> If you're confused.
> 
> Also, I'm all in on Qrow x Ironwood.


End file.
